Leary Gates » potholes

Helping a Friend in Despair

Leary Gates — Wed, 01 Dec 2010 02:29:30 +0000

We all hit potholes in the road of life; those times when, in our exasperation, we cry out to God, “Why?” Why are you doing this to me? At its core lies a question of faith—is God for us or against us? Harboring hurt and disappointment lands one in the sinkhole of despair. It’s a dark and lonely place. Those that find themselves there desperately need a friend. Or better—a brother or sister—to walk beside them. But how can we help a friend who’s landed in the sinkhole of despair?

This 40-minute presentation suggests some practical ways we can help those who are in despair. Even as importantly, it examines three temptations we need to avoid when we set out help others, lest we add even more discouragement to their sinkhole. This presentation was originally part of the “Steering Through the Potholes” series at IronWorks.

Notes:	Presentation notes
Audio:	Listen to audio only
Video:

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Steering Through the Potholes: Series begins September 26

Leary Gates — Thu, 09 Sep 2010 16:14:03 +0000

I would like to invite as many of my friends as possible to join me on a journey.

Pastor Roger Thompson of Berean Baptist Church and I have been writing a book we’re calling Steering through the Potholes: Navigating Life’s Adversities. It’s a book about the challenges we face and how to navigate through them. Like potholes we hit in the road, adversity is unavoidable and often leaves lasting damage. If you’ve ever asked of God, “Why is this happening to me?” then you’ve hit a pothole and this book is being written for you.

I say “is being written” because we are literally in the middle of writing it and we would like your help. We want to do something a bit unusual and invite you into the writing process. Beginning Sunday, September 26th, for eight consecutive evenings, Roger and I will be teaching from the material in the book and leaving behind, each week, a draft chapter for you to chew on. We will ask you to react to the material as you experience it live and also as you read the chapter the following the session. Your feedback will be invaluable to us as we continue to develop this project.

That’s it. That’s the journey we’re on and, if this topic is of interest to you, we invite you to be a part of it Sunday evenings at Berean Baptist Church, Room 114 from 5:30-6:45 p.m. Click for directions.

I hope to see you there!

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The Right Pothole Questions

Leary Gates — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 13:38:51 +0000

Challenges can stir us to action or sap our strength. The eternal optimists at despair.com created a poster depicting the silhouette of a man hiking up a steep hill. Underneath are the words: ”Challenges: I expected times like this – but I never thought they’d be so bad, so long and so frequent.” That poster relies on our common experiences with those sentiments to elicit a chuckle. Like a steep mountain, life’s challenges can seem to pile on top of each other. ”What’s next?” we may ask ourselves. Even in the ‘good times’ we may wonder just how long it will last.

In my previous post, Did you just hit a pothole?, we explored what turns a pothole experience into a debilitating sinkhole. It happens when our focus is on unearthing answers to the question ‘why?’ Asking that question, as if something were wrong with either God or us, leads into the sinkholes of inaction and despair.

Having hit more than a few potholes of his own, the Apostle Paul penned these words:

“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.” (2 Corinthians 4:8-9)

Did you notice the word “perplexed”? Paul didn’t understand what was going on – he didn’t need to. He knew that peace was a greater prize than understanding (Philippians 4:7).

Because of God’s peace, he was not in despair.

So what should you do when you hit a pothole in life? Do the same thing as when it’s one of those car stoppers – pull over and ask for help. Call AAA.

First, ASSESS the situation. Ask “what” questions. What just happened? What is my condition? What circumstances just led to this? What can I learn from it? When I ask these “what” questions my focus is constructive – to move me through the challenge. Sinkhole questions, on the other hand, attach themselves to my identity. What’s wrong with me? Why does this always happen to me? Why can’t I ever…? The key is to remember that the pothole is not about me.

Second, ASK for help. Ask “who” questions. Who’s experienced a similar thing? Who can be a resource for me? Who can be a friend? Good pothole questions focus on identifying the resources that may be available to help. Sinkhole questions expect others to be responsible for my rescue. When I don’t take responsibility for moving forward, I’m in a sinkhole and begin to resent those who do not respond to my needs the way I might like.

Finally, ACT forward. Ask “how” questions. How can I take one step today that will honor God? How should I communicate this to those affected? How should I care for myself while staying vigilant? Getting through a pothole may take longer than I’d like. I need to accept and prepare for that. The notion of an instant escape becomes a sinkhole. Instead of doing the right thing, it invites many temptations to take short cuts. When my focus is on getting out of pain and not on the way I conduct myself, I dishonor God. I’ve forgotten that He alone is my rescue. He alone is ever present. How did the Apostle Paul put it? ”Persecuted but not abandoned.”

So you know you’ve hit a pothole but you’re not sure if it’s become a sinkhole. How can you tell? Easy. Honestly evaluate how you are responding to those around you. If you have a spirit of ministry – seeking to encourage others because of what you’ve been through and are learning (2 Corinthians 1:3-4) – you are exhibiting healthy pothole responses. If, on the other hand, you are anxious, despondent, manipulative, resentful or envious of others, you may have landed yourself in a sinkhole. If you find yourself there, take courage, Jesus’ long arms are stretched out toward you. Grasp hold and call AAA.

SOUND OFF: What have you learned from the potholes of life?

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Did you just hit a pothole?

Leary Gates — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 16:25:04 +0000

Someone once observed, “There are no problems, only opportunities, some of which are insurmountable.” Take a look around you. There are a lot of guys facing what looks like insurmountable opportunities. You may be one of them.

Even if you’ve not been personally affected by a recent job loss or other adversity, it’s likely you have a friend who has. Calamity comes to all of us at one time or another. Jesus said the rain falls on the righteous and unrighteous (Matthew 5:45). And right now there’s a lot of us getting soaked.

Not long ago I was following behind a rather large truck on my drive to the office. You know the kind; sixteen wheels, each taller than the roof of my car. When, suddenly, bam! My car jerked violently. I heard the hard clang of the struts compressing until there was no more give. What was a mere divot for the semi-truck in front of me became a massive pothole for my car. Without a clear view of the road ahead, that pothole, and the damage that came with it, was unavoidable.

Life is like that. We all go through our potholes. Some we can see. Some we can’t. As long as we keep going, it usually works out just fine. But sometimes we hit a big one–the kind that shakes our foundations and stops us hard. When those potholes hit us, serious damage can occur. When it consumes all of our energy, it’s no longer just a pothole–it’s degenerated into a sinkhole, robbing us of the ability to move on.

One sure way to turn an ordinary pothole into a sinkhole is a question we often ask. It’s a simple question dressed in an attitude of protest. ”Why?” Why is this happening? “Why” questions are sinkhole questions because the answer lies in the metaphysical and defies constructive value.

A toddler will incessantly string “why?” questions together until they’ve exhausted their parent in a seemingly never ending game. Some “whys” are just plain silly. Here are a few of my favorites: Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand? Why isn’t there mouse flavored cat food? Why do they put Braille on the keypad of drive-up ATMs? Even an old beer commercial asks, “Why ask why?” It’s a good question.

“Whys” asked on the backside of a pothole are the most hazardous. That’s because at the heart of those “why” questions lie the destructive twins of blame and shame. And like the inquisition of an incessant toddler, they have no satisfactory answer. Blame questions sound a lot like, “why is God doing this?” The implication is that God doesn’t really love me or He wouldn’t have allowed this to happen. Likewise, I might believe that He’s just trying to teach me a lesson and once I learn it, He’ll remove the burden from me. Either way, I’m blaming God for the situation I’m in. The shame generated corollary asks “why does this always happen to me?” The implication is that I’m defective. Like the character “Pig-Pen” from the Peanuts comic strip, a cloud always seems to surround me. Even when something good happens, I’m keenly aware that at any time the other shoe might drop. Bad things come in threes and good things just don’t last.

My only escape from sinkholes is in the long and loving arms of Jesus reaching down and reminding me to learn from him and enter His rest (Matthew 11:29). Like the parent to the toddler, he says to me, “give the questions a rest for now and just enjoy my love for you.”

The next time a pothole comes your way and you’re tempted to ask “why?” steer clear of the question. There’s no rest in that sinkhole. Instead, there are much better questions to ask. Three of them, in fact, which I’ll share with you in future posts (read it now). If you can’t wait until then, you can listen to a thirty minute message on this topic by clicking here.

SOUND OFF: Have you hit any potholes recently? How did you keep them from becoming a sinkhole for you?

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